I survived the trip. When it was just the sibs and the cousins things were fine, actually. I think it is easy to build things up before they happen but once they are over, it is more about the positive moments than the negative, at least that is where I’m at.

On Thursday, my brother in law and I played some music and on Friday Geoff left his violin at the Airbnb so we were just going to keep things chill. The non-MN crew went out for breakfast at this cute little cafe that had…oatmeal! It doesn’t sound very exciting but after all of the rich, fancy food the night before, something simple was what I needed to get to where I felt more in control. We headed to the Huss house and the pie contest was already in full swing. The girls had a pizza “pie” and a chicken pot pie and Nathan made an onion and sausage pie that were in the savory category. All of the sweet pies were for later.

My mom came over for the lunch part of the day. I had talked to my siblings about how things went on Thursday and I was really pretty nervous about things in that department. If you’ve been reading my work for any length of time, you know that there is some deep trauma associated with how things went with my parents when I was in high school. I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother over the years about it but she always forgets that we had them and I have to go back through the same things, dig up the trauma and whether I’ve dealt with it or not it is always hard to find my way back to the normalcy that I’ve tried to create in my life. I got a message from my aunt yesterday too about it and I know that all of my mom’s siblings want the best for her and that being in contact with me is what she thinks is missing from her life so it makes sense that if I would just get in touch with her it would be ok.

I know my aunt reads this, she was the one person that I felt the most connection with from my mom’s side of the family with while I was growing up, she gave me my love of cooking and baking and taking care of people through food, the one I miss the most. I think what is hard to comprehend is that while I am doing what is best for me and slowly allowing things like birthday cards and Christmas presents to come through, I’m not in a position where a maternal figure in my life is what I need. I can let go of the hurt and resentment but that doesn’t automatically make me want a mother figure back in my life and I don’t want to rehash things that happened 20 years ago every six months to make it seem like I’m a “good son,” which is not what my aunt was saying at all but what another aunt has said on occasion.

So, when we went back to the Airbnb to pick up Geoff’s violin, I had the chance to talk to my sister about all of this and get her perspective as essentially the medical custodian of my mother. It seems like I’m the only one who hasn’t rebuilt connections with that side of the family and it is partially because I’m in Texas and probably more associated with my dad in their minds. My sister and I had a good conversation about where I’ve been in my last few months/years and it was really nice to get a chance to talk to her about that stuff without all the hustle and bustle of the house. We got back and made some music with the kids and some dinner and played Farkle and drank whiskey and had a pretty good time.

This morning my flight was delayed by almost 90 minutes because of the freezing rain that fell while we were driving to the airport. Security lines were ridiculous, I remembered why flying around the holidays isn’t something I make a habit of, but I made it back home around noon and went to lunch with my dad and tried to unpack some of what happened on the trip. There was a time when even just talking to my mom on the phone, even missing her calls, would send me into a spiral but that isn’t me anymore. I’m ok. I’m making dinner for myself and trying to decide how bummed I am that I’m missing The Bad Plus with my brother and a newfound cousin who lives in MN. I’m listening to them while I make dinner so I guess that will have to do.

When I was running this afternoon, after the rain, there was a double rainbow. The most perfect rainbow I’ve seen in years perfectly framing the Morrison Corn Kits sign and a second rainbow forming behind it. As I ran back to the square, I saw the rainbow fade and realized that it was all about the perspective, the angle of viewing, that made the perfect rainbow. I saw Yogi on the porch at Oak Street as I ran by and I told him about the amazing rainbow and made my way home. I’ve got a friend’s birthday thing tonight and I might make my way out there tonight but for now, I’m feeding myself and soaking in the quiet.