Shortly after I landed my brother and his wife picked me up in a black Dodge Charger, I stepped out into the 30 degree weather and back in time. I lived in St. Paul for a couple of years back in 2000-2002 and haven’t really been back in the cities since then. When I talk to people about my time in the Twin Cities, it’s a couple of lifetimes ago. I left St. Paul pretty abruptly at the end of the summer of 2002, packed my things in boxes and shipped them down and flew back on one leg of a round trip flight that I never completed. I had spent the previous two years at a private, very conservative Christian college studying vocal performance and trying to survive the cognitive dissonance that was building up as I saw the world around me falling into the post-9/11 hysteria and the mainstream faith community’s complicity in the demonization of whole classes of people. And, of course, there was a girl I was running away from too.

We drove up to the AirBNB and dropped some things off and headed to my sister and brother-in-law’s house in Minnetonka. Bogart’s donuts in the car, pretty amazing and certainly better than whatever I slept through on the plane. A couple of my nieces were waiting in their snow suits in the driveway for us and we went inside. My sister had prepared my mom for what things were going to be like, spending some time together on the 27th but letting things ride for the 26th, I think my brother texted her and let her know we were in town and at the house, a few minutes after we got to the house she showed up.

I knew it would be hard, I didn’t realize how much old patterns of behavior persisted in her. She tried to make connections with me about the “hard time” I was having and came over and cornered me pressing for pictures of my kids, I could easily remember the pressure and manipulative energy that defined most of my teen/early twenties and it was so strange to see it from the distance of years. I was completely twisted up in the chair, my brother-in-law came over and put himself in closer proximity and my sister came through and ran interference for a minute while we got involved in some games with my nieces. Sophie texted me and we tried to FaceTime with her but their connection out at the farm wasn’t good enough so I called her and we talked a bit. My mom left and things relaxed a bit but when I went in to start cutting apples for the pie contest my niece organized my emotional guards let themselves down and it would have been better if I’d been cutting onions because then I’d have some sort of excuse.

I got the pie assembled, my sister had some kind of shrub that I used with the apples and it should be pretty amazing. We started talking about how I ended up in the situation I’m currently in, the path I’m on, and it was good to be able to have a conversation about it with someone who was there for a lot of the early years, context most people don’t have. Her husband brought out a couple guitars and we played around a bit getting musical while the kids had quiet time.

After a bit, around 6, the babysitter showed up so the adults could go out. My brother Geoff was getting in and we were headed to a place that I had never been to in Minneapolis that my brother and sister found online with live music and food. We picked Geoff up and headed over for our reservation. The menu was pretty incredible and we ordered a bunch of stuff that looked interesting, lots of things to share. We talked and listened to the live music and ended up heading over to a cute little dessert place. I got some coffee hoping to perk up but the early morning/no nap/emotional distress really did a number on me.

I think today is our contest day. My mom will be there and I’m sure that even though my siblings will be there, I know that she will try to talk to me and I really don’t know what to say. She’s pretty far gone mentally but like the eye of Sauron, I can feel the stare across the room. Just remember, pie is what it’s all about.