Since I’ve been back in town I’ve tried to keep things a low key as possible to help myself get ready for the coming year. 2019 was one of the most challenging years that I’ve made it through but I think more than anything, I’m looking at the fact that I made it through. Today is it. So I did make it. I fully committed to making it and I made it as a different and hopefully better version of myself.

I want to speak directly to the people who helped me make it through this year. Whatever things went right in my life this year, and there were plenty that did in spite of everything, it is thanks to people who opened their homes, hearts, and lives to share with me when I needed them the most.

The Spiderfam is a big part of my life and as a collective, they impacted this year by allowing me space to explore the most difficult parts of who I am. Of course, this isn’t a year-long impact, I’ve been working with Courtney and Conor and the rest of the crew in varying degrees for over 7 years at this point but when I needed a place to figure out what my next move was, the new Spiderweb HQ and Conor and Courtney’s new home, opened up the door and said: “you are here.” And I was. I had a place to sleep, meals shared and powerful life-changing conversations over the week or so that I was there. I can’t thank you both enough for allowing me the space to take the first steps towards myself.

Matty Sallack is another person who made an outsized impact on my life the last year when he opened his home to me for the summer while I was waiting to get into my own space. He was kind to my kids who were going through this with me and they loved getting to see Matt when they were around.

My counselor Brandy who I’d actually seen years ago and then last year and then this summer who could see where I was at and give me the space to talk it out and then call me out and put my head back on straight so that I could see where I needed to go. Never stigmatize mental health and prioritize it.

My dad and step-mom have been incredible through this process. They haven’t shunned my ex, they have taken my kids and I into their arms and supported us as much as they can in ways that I can’t even begin to break down.

My dear friend Erica who always gives me the straight talk and is always willing to call me on bullshit and always pushes me to be a better person.

My couple of friends at work who are always there with a smile and, in some cases, a dog. Even short conversations with adults at work can really put me back in the right headspace.

My climbing community/running community has been instrumental in me working through this year. Chris M got me out climbing for the first time and then Josh, Tyler, Thomas, Chris B, Natasha, and others I’m sure I’m forgetting pulled me out, invited me out to climb and got me out of my head and house on nights when I needed and when I didn’t realize that I needed it. Audrey, Denise, Lisa, Ben, Chris and Josh, Kaley, Jennifer, Jamie, John, Liz…the list could keep going and will keep growing as the new year comes but the running community has been huge in reaching out and offering a shoulder, and ear, shared miles, shared meals and shared struggles as we all keep trying to be better people, physically and mentally.

My cousin Natalie has been a great ear and adult to talk to when I needed it the most.

Bess playing music with me when I haven’t played in years….

I know there are more people that could go on this list but I don’t want to be writing for the next four or five hours listing out the amazing people in my life that make it possible and a joy to keep on.

I found solace in music this year as well, something I had let go for a long time, and I kept returning to Phoebe Bridgers, Noah Gundersen, Damian Jurado, Pedro the Lion, Sylvan Esso, Julia Jacklin and All Them Witches were instrumental in me finding a way to process the emotions that I was dealing with.

Having this space to process my life will continue to be a vital part of my routine but there are things I want to do in the coming year as well. I will do more creative writing, I will write music, I will race more and climb more and love more and I will live with an open heart and mind to whatever comes my way. I will recognize the humanity in people who I struggle with and I will be becoming the version of myself that I have always kept at arms-length because I was too worried about other people’s reactions. I will be the most authentic version of myself.

And I will probably get a nose ring.

I don’t think the new year will be easy. There are a lot of major things happening around the world and in our country that require us to show up and do the work of kindness and compassion, to fight despair and ease the suffering of others, and ourselves. And resist. Things are going to get worse before they get better and I know that because they have done for me but the pendulum is on the upswing and I go into the evening with hope for the future, whatever it looks like.