Sometimes you just need some fucking chocolate

When I was getting ready to go grocery shopping on Monday before I was picking the kids up on Tuesday I asked my daughter if there was anything special that she wanted from the store. I started asking her what she wanted so that I would make sure to have the things that they want specifically and not just try to guess and end up with stuff they don’t really like. I also try to buy enough for a couple of weeks so that I don’t have to go to the store in-between visits.

I have a different food philosophy than my ex, something that was always a source of ridicule when I would make the “I think I want to go vegetarian…” pitch every couple of years. Growing up, my parents had a similar difference of opinion and my dad really gave up and just let my mom do whatever she wanted. He would always threaten us with going to a “beans and rice” diet when we decided we didn’t like whatever my mom had made for dinner. You know what I eat now most of the time? Beans and rice. And sweet potatoes and zucchini and quinoa and bunch of other veggies. One of the reasons I learned to cook in the first place was that when my mom got overwhelmed with everything we went to a “fend for yourself/sandwiches” diet most of the time and that was the point I decided I was going to learn to make whatever I wanted. I have distinct memories of making a very sweet Asian style dish at some point in the mid-’90s as the first time I cooked for the whole house and I doubt any of us ate it.

Early in my relationship with my ex, we had the realization that she was going to eat what she wanted and if I wanted to continue with my veggie food choices, she wasn’t going to support it. I gave up for many years and when I left last May I started eating primarily vegan and almost immediately dropped 30 pounds. I also wasn’t eating, most of my calories came from beans and pasta and beer, so it isn’t a good metric when we are talking about a weight management strategy especially for an ultra-endurance athlete. I wasn’t getting enough calories and started adding eggs to increase calories without having to make myself eat more.

Moving into the lockdown I found myself eating way more than I usually did, mostly because for the first week and a half I was alone and trying to figure out what work was going to look like and I didn’t really have a place for my feelings about things to go. I was bloated and feeling really out of it since I was coming off a climbing injury and all that comes with not feeling 100%. I made a choice to rein things in and get back onto my workout routine and get some music going again since I had time to do it. I’ve had rough days for sure but at least I’m holding to the choice to prioritize health. I’m sure it has nothing to do with having gone through, or put myself through, trauma on a life-changing scale fairly recently so this is just more change in life and I’m lucky enough to have chosen a profession that is stable.

So I went shopping on Monday and picked up a couple things I don’t normally keep at home, chicken and stuff to make cookies. I bought butter and vanilla and chocolate chips along with a new bag of sugar since I had gone through mine a few weeks before making a batch of kombucha, and when the kids came over yesterday that was the first thing she wanted to do. Make cookies. We worked together and did the best we could and at the end of things we had pretty decent cookies. If I was making them more often I would probably have a favorite recipe but I just went with the Macrina Cafe cookbook that I bought many years ago, inspired by my aunt, to develop my skills as a baker. It worked out well.

I made chicken tacos for dinner and somehow convinced the kids that we should try sausage on the pizza tonight instead of the usual bacon or pepperoni, fancy pizza is for when we’ve got a crowd, so we shall see how that goes.

I also made pickled peppers and onions yesterday. Red onions, jalapenos and a couple of habaneros for some extra zing. I was out of ACV so I subbed in some kombucha instead and so far I think they turned out ok.

Last night after the kids went to bed I went into the kitchen and grabbed the other half of the cookie that I had earlier. It was exactly what I needed.