It has been a heavy couple of weeks and I honestly haven’t felt like writing much. I’ve been coming to terms with some things and getting ready for new things and…all the things.

I’ve been feeling not terribly confident recently and I was starting to wonder why, all of a sudden, I felt less-than. I could blame it on any number of things but a deep feeling of inadequacy had settled the last few weeks. I’d been talking to my realtor friend a couple of months ago about possibly buying a house rather than keep renting and that didn’t go anywhere. Some things changed and I was back in the position to possibly start looking and then, well the world went to shit. My ex, on the other hand, is buying a house. That is fine. She sent me a link to the listing and the place is pretty much exactly like the house we sold when we separated almost a year ago. Her new BF is my age, and nerdy (which I’m not) and there is a part of me that suddenly is feeling what I felt for a long time and is what led to our split was that I was replaceable. There wasn’t anything that I was contributing to the life that she wanted to build that couldn’t be coming from someone else. I felt that and now I’m starting to see it.

The feelings that I’ve been dealing with around this realization aren’t angry or hurt or any of that. I don’t have an ounce of animosity towards my ex when it comes to things that happened in the past. We had a socially responsible memorial for John on Thursday and I hung around and chatted with a couple of people through our masks about how I was feeling and it helped to speak it out loud. It doesn’t have power over me and it isn’t going to ruin my day.

Saturday Ben and I ran a lot. During the week I’d seen something on Facebook about a local tri training group putting on a 12 hour run. The idea was to run from the same point every hour on the hour. If you didn’t start on time, you were done. Ben had 60k in his head for the day and we met up at Northlakes to run for the day. I wasn’t really planning to go all day but at some point around noon it just would have been stupid to stop. We did 4 miles in each of the first three hours and then alternated between 3.3 and 3 miles for the rest. Loops were run through the Wildflower Trail that runs near the new dog park, through the neighborhoods around the park and, in one instance, down to a local elementary school. The biggest take away from the day, and yes I went all 12 hours, was to put sunscreen on my back. Holy shit. I usually run with a pack and so there is a part of my back that isn’t already tanned. Saturday it burned. It was a good run though.

Sunday I didn’t do much of anything. I put my feet up and tried not to move too much. Monday worked and skipped my workout because I was still sore. I went up to Northlakes again to run Monday evening and ended up with almost 5 miles just testing things out. I ran again today and I should have taken it easier yesterday because I wasn’t ready to push it like we did.

This Saturday I’m running another virtual relay with Tyler and Dez. We will each do a 10.3 mile loop to equal 50k at the end of it. I’m enjoying these little virtual races because it gives us a chance to push for something more than just a few big races that may or may not happen, hopefully we can keep those going as we move forward.