We had the 6th grade students on campus today for half of the day and it was alright. They always look younger than I remember but my main concern about 6th and 7th grade students in the same classes shouldn’t be too much of an issue. I’m hoping that things work out.

I’m in a spot right now where I need to be ok, I’m concerned that I’m pushing people away without really meaning to because I’m coming from a place of hurt right now and while I can’t really force myself out of it, other people don’t deserve to have to deal with it. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Today we had a potluck at work after the 6th graders came through and I was out of spoons. I put the food I brought out and was walking back to my classroom because I didn’t really feel like standing around talking. I went through the front office and ran into my principal who asked how I was doing. We talked for a bit about the trigger for my rough day (meet the teacher night at my kids school, I was asked not to come) and he had some good words to say that helped me at least make it through the afternoon.

It is like having a cracked tooth or a cold sore that you just can’t leave alone. It’s like there is nothing that you can do to make it go away and pretending isn’t really healthy but at the same time there is a job to do and colleagues not to be too weird around and whatever. I would love to snap and be 6 months down the road and have things be more normal than they are right now but I’m not really in that place. I’m still grieving the loss of things, even things that were unhealthy, and grief is weird like that.

I was listening to Mount Eerie (this guy who wrote all these songs after his wife died from cancer) yesterday and again, I remembered exactly where I was when I heard him for the first time. I was running back home from Southlakes Park and contemplating things when this music came on and I realized that I was already in mourning but I didn’t really have anything concrete yet to mourn. The loss of innocence? Done. The loss of a relationship? Done. The breaking down of relationships with colleagues as my mental state (at the time) was spiraling? Done. But the process isn’t done.

I’m going to smile tomorrow at work. I’m going to tuck my raw edges into my belt and make it ok. I may not be ok tomorrow but I can fake it. Outside in. It’ll work. Right?