Monday at work I had a minor freakout. I’ve been low key stressed about money, I feel like that is pretty common, and didn’t really know where to point my stress. I’ve long been a believer that worry isn’t really productive and while I used to worry about things all the time, often to the point of inaction, I try to not worry so much and make positive steps toward resolving the source of the stress. I texted my dad and kind of laid things out and he offered to come over in the evening to talk. I went through the rest of my day and went for a run with the Northlakes crew (supposed to be recovery, PR’d mile and 5K during the 4 mile run) and then swung through Armadillo to pick up a growler since they can do that now. My dad came by and we talked through the strategies I’m using to generate secondary income, picking up more races and getting trained on scoring, finding my way into the gig economy etc. and I felt better about things moving into the week.

We had a short week this week due to it being the end of the grading period and the kids were riled up, like really fucking riled up. I just wanted the week to end so I could get to the weekend, even though instead of even on day off we get two days of PD on Friday and Monday, an October miracle. I’ve felt the need for a day off for a while but I haven’t been able to work it into the schedule with days off for conferences and rehearsals it doesn’t fit. So Friday we head in to PD and it is a long morning of “Let me introduce” moments, Ph.D.’s and fancy suits talking about some interesting things but talking at us. I understand the issues they were talking about but they were primarily talking to musicians and not dance/theatre people for the majority of the day. The whole day. 8:30-3:45 of talking. They day was chilly outside, the sun was out and it was a beautiful day and we were all indoors, I was indoors sitting.

I went to lunch with some colleagues and on the way back to PD, the “whatever happened to…” question came up. Whatever happened to that friend who used to be there for you? Uh…yeah. I wrote about this before, people bailing when things got bad, and I didn’t have a good answer because I don’t want to drag people for the choices they made. Thing is, I thought I was over the sense of abandonment and feelings of worthlessness that I had when I was cast adrift. Not letting on, things are just what they are but I’m still sore about it. I got home and pounded out a 6 mile run in the chilly afternoon air, climbing hasn’t cured my Reynaud’s anymore than time and distance can fully heal those feelings of being tossed aside.

My ex got our daughter a phone and she started texting me throughout the day on Friday. It has been fun to see her sense of humor develop through the use of text. I don’t know how many parents really sat down and read what their kids were writing before texting became the primary mode of communication. My kid is pretty funny and smart and sarcastic and it has been a nice way to keep a conversation going rather than just dropping in and video chatting when we can find the time.

Yesterday I was out in Dinosaur Valley for the Mammoth 30K, timing of course. I will race again at some point, January in fact, but for now I don’t have the funds to make that feasible. It was a MUCH better day than last Saturday, things were smooth and, other than the music being mostly Christian, a nice environment. I talked with Kyle a bit about what was going on and I am not only going to be timing more but probably starting to branch out and build some business for EDS up in this area a bit more with some events that I can take ownership over as my skill set increases. In my quest for side gigs, my goal isn’t to fill up every available moment with income generating activity but to have things I like to do that will help me move forward. I’m not a sponsored athlete so that is out. I’m not going to make significant funds directing plays or writing or playing music so it might as well be timing.

My goals for the day are to get out and run some double digit mileage, climb, chat with my dad and probably get a little weird at some point with some art happenings. Will make things work, one way or another.