Long day yesterday.

My usual days start around 5:30-6:00 and yesterday was exactly the same. I got to work around 7:15 and got things situated for the day before I went to duty and worked through the day as per usual. I’ve been feeling really solid in my overall mental health situation lately and I was supposed to have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon but decided to cancel because it has been so long since I’ve felt like I was in a place where that needed to happen. I had a work meeting until 7, 12 hour day, and missed a workout with a friend because I didn’t get out of the meeting earlier than I had hoped.

Sunday when the kids got picked up, my ex talked to me and asked if I was eating. I know I wrote about this before a few months ago but I had, and probably have, some disordered eating habits that come from being overweight for most of my life, even when I was running the most in my life. Eating is something I do, I cook for myself and I try to make food that is nutritious and has a variety in it but I don’t eat a lot. I talked to my counselor about it the last time I went in and the “protein shakes and one meal a day” was given the seal of self-care approval. Yesterday at work, at least three other people I work with mentioned something about it. On the way to the meeting I went to Target and bought a couple of shirts that fit rather than the ones I’ve been wearing that don’t really fit anymore and changed in the car.

All this floating around and then I come home and start playing some music and play that good old Damien Jurado song, the one I’ve been able to make it through consistently for the last month or so without an emotional response. I made it to the line about the “photo of our first baby” and my mind flashed to the point I always have looked at as the point where things shifted in my relationship. The first lost baby. That ultrasound photo was the one that popped up. Woof. Even typing that has an emotional response. I’ve been reading a lot about working through trauma and not letting past trauma affect/direct future relationships (of any sort) and to that end I don’t really talk about what happened in the past a lot with new friends because they don’t need to carry those burdens with me. I just have to recognize that I don’t have to keep them locked up either.

Gotta get ready for work.