What can I say about last night? Last summer I did a lot of work on myself and I feel like everything broke open again after last night. I performed a monologue for the Spiderweb Show and unlike last year, I got into some really dark emotional territory. I’ve already posted about what I spoke about, the phrase “You are worth showing up for.”
I don’t remember exactly when I started to feel unseen by people around me, it really goes back to when I was a kid and became the kid who could eat the most and that was about it. I struggled with an eating disorder in high school, and probably still do to some extent if I’m being honest with myself. Part of showing up for yourself is making sure that needs are met and I don’t always/almost never make sure that I’m taking care of myself the way I need to. Others first, always. Empathy is such an important tool but it can also cut back the other way if it only goes one way.
Need to work on my transitions.
The monologue went really well, Jacob and Carlo and Machelle created a beautiful soundscape and I made it up to the point where I started walking this student back to my office and I started to lose it. We always used to make fun of my dad when he would cry preaching but when one is repressed enough, anything can be a trigger. I went through the rest of the performance trying to keep words coming out and not openly weeping on stage. I knew people I cared about were in the audience and being that emotionally open is scary to me because it opens up all kinds of shit I’d rather not deal with.
No one wants revolution because revolution is painful.
I barely made it through the phrase at the end of the monologue, I was making eye contact with people and this guy Scott in the front row, another teacher, was balling right there with me.
I made it through but had to put the mic back on the stand and hurry off-stage to weep into the arms of Courtney who was waiting in the wings. My friend Josh came over and talked to me about how I helped him through some rough shit in the past when we were training for our first marathon. Scott came up and talked to me after too, among others, and I didn’t know what to say.
I think I understand where these misunderstood, invisible kids are coming from because I feel that way frequently. It isn’t anyone’s fault, there is plenty of blame to place squarely on my own shoulders.
I didn’t sleep after the show. I went and had a drink with some friends, went home and couldn’t shut my eyes. I had this deep feeling of despair just forcing my eyes open. I tried reading, tried just closing my eyes, but nothing seemed to work. I’ve honestly been up since 3:30 yesterday morning and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional state. I’m sitting in front of the computer with tears pouring down my face trying to make it through this post.
I feel unmoored. I feel lonely, and lost. I always appreciate people reaching out, it isn’t really about being alone. I’ve got wonderful people around me and a supportive community, a couple of them. I don’t know if I need to start seeing my therapist again, it doesn’t really help if you already have things figured out and there isn’t any easy way to deal with it.
Maybe I just need a nap?