Since things have been headed the direction that they are, I’ve been sleeping later than I used to but the last couple of mornings I’ve woke up back on my regularly programmed time. 5:30 yesterday, 5:15 today. I’ve been running but it’s been pretty unproductive due to not taking in enough calories during the day, yesterday morning was a change. I’d eaten enough the day before and had energy and since it was early enough that it wasn’t really that hot, I went for 5 miles. I ran through the neighborhoods around Denton High and even came across the XC team running hills at McKenna park.
I spent the rest of the day with the kids, took them to swimming and lunch with some friends and then came back to the Bolivar house to hang out. They are still doing mostly ok, it is just hard when we are together all day to not have access to their stuff to keep them occupied. Nothing here is theirs and that is hard for them, and me, because they don’t feel like they have any ownership over what is here. After I dropped the kids off, I was feeling pretty much like I didn’t need to be alone and tried to hit some friends up for climbing. They were just getting off work and weren’t up for it so I went back to McKenna park and ran the DARC Hill Workout instead of climbing. I let Ben know I was kind of amped and I shouldn’t probably be doing a hard workout but did anyway.
As much as their are moments or days where things are starting to feel like I’m getting into a routine, there are just as many moments in the day when I feel pretty bleak and out of control. We took a picture at the end of the hill workout and I got called out for mean-mugging. I’d love to smile, just didn’t have it right then. I’m still struggling with asking for what I need, even going through this process, but I’m getting better at asserting myself (in a nice way) and hopefully there will be some returns on that willingness to step up.
Today, I’m going to run a bit and then talk to my kids and then probably go climb. And breathe.