Whew! It’s been pretty nuts the past weekend and I’m just now getting a chance to sit down and process things.
I spend enough time alone that time seems to pass much slower when I’m off work than when I’m working. My days are mostly spent waiting for the end of the day, not in a bad way necessarily because that is the time that I get to focus on myself and the work that I’m trying to do with regard to where I want to go in the future. Saturday I laid pretty low and got things together for the housewarming party so that I didn’t have too much to do on Sunday during the day and could go out and run. After blowing off some steam on Friday, I definitely needed the break and stayed in Saturday night and watched some Sherlock. Sunday I made it out for 9 miles with the crew on the square and ran with John a good bit. We have spent enough miles together that conversation comes pretty easily and we hung with Tim for a bit while he worked out his leg issues on the climb up University.
When I got home, I decided to put the final touches on the house for the party and moved some seating around and portioned out the pizza dough for what could have been a much bigger group. I wasn’t really planning on a number but I did want to make sure that anyone who came wouldn’t leave hungry. I ran around a little bit and got some things together from the store, not making it up to climb at Summit like I had planned on because I was running around so much. Things were pretty squared away by 2 and I was going to go climb but then checked and remembered that I had set the event for 3-10, not 4-10 and needed to jump in the shower before people showed up.
Em dropped in right around 3:15 and Matty walked over shortly after that. We chatted a bit, Matty brought me a cute little cactus plushie, and John rolled in shortly after that. People started showing up and it was so nice to have other people in my space enjoying themselves. We had a good mix of art and running folks, with some crossover of course. Things wrapped up around 9 and I had an opportunity to clean up and get things mostly ready for the week ahead. After everyone left, I was struck with a deep sense of being alone. It doesn’t make sense to feel that way after 20 people just left but I absolutely did. I sat on the couch and just let the feeling wash over and then went to bed.
Truth is, I’m not alone.
Monday, my usual workouts didn’t happen but I did get a chance to run with Ben and Tyler at Northlakes and then I got a run in with Lauren last night and a climbing session in with a surprise Josh sighting! I was driving up to the gym thinking about how I hadn’t been climbing in a bit and that I missed climbing with Josh and lo and behold, there he was just back from vacation to Japan. Good friends can make all the difference.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the difference in putting things on hold and holding space. I can hold space for people without holding onto any emotional baggage and still support without borrowing trouble from them. Years ago, I had a friend that I worked with at Starbucks and when I started working with her she asked me to bring my guitar to work and I’d show up at 5:00 am for work and everything would be done already and we would play and sing for a bit before work. One of the songs that she wanted to sing was the Leonard Cohen “Famous Blue Raincoat” classic and I was thinking about the line “Thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes, I thought it was there for good so I never tried.” What a different frame of mind. Taking the trouble from someone else. Things have changed for me to the point where I’m recognizing that I don’t need to take trouble from someone else, I can be there (or not) while they sort things out. Seems simple, right?